2008 Woodie Awards
Hacienda Crews Last Reviews
Cliff Allred
Issue date: 4/21/06 Section: Entertainment
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After three years of faithful and ruthless service, you all will no longer have the luxury of us oppressing you with our beliefs as we go onto bigger and better places than Riddle. So, as we depart, we leave you with our views of what the coming onslaught from Hollywood will entail.
Cliff's Predictions:
#1: There will be a talking tapeworm movie by 2009
The past decade has seen a slew of good CG children's movies: "Toy Story," "Finding Nemo," "The Incredibles." However, movie producers, who on the whole lack souls, have seen these successes and have been searching madly for the magic formula that will allow them to crank out adorable family entertainment. They haven't found the formula yet, but apparently it will contain some form of talking animal, because we have been deluged by movies full of cuddly little beasties acting like New Yorkers.
At this rate, I predict that movie makers will run out of traditional talking animals, such as bears, rabbits, and turtles, and will be forced to move on to the more…disgusting areas of nature. They will scrape the bottom of the barrel, and they will bring up the lowly tapeworm as the hero for their next kid's film.
You laugh now, but mark my words: in three years, we will be seeing invertebrates with twangy, nasal accents running through fleshy pink tunnels. Disgusting? Yes. Inevitable? Yes.
#2: Hollywood will start remaking superhero movies
Curr and I have noted this point before: Hollywood is running out of ideas. Every time we see an ad for a new scary-house-in-the-forest movie, or a new Rob Schneider movie, we know that Hollywood is desperately searching for ideas like a fat man searching through the ice at the bottom of a soft drink cup with his straw, filling the whole restaurant with slurping noises.
Recently, they've begun tapping into the vast field of comic books, a realm previously inaccessible due to technological restrictions. The best results produced so far have been the Spiderman and X-men movies, so I am predicting that we will be seeing their remakes here in a few years. Hollywood will just count on the dazzling new effects to obliterate all memory of these movies coming out the first time.
Cliff's Predictions:
#1: There will be a talking tapeworm movie by 2009
The past decade has seen a slew of good CG children's movies: "Toy Story," "Finding Nemo," "The Incredibles." However, movie producers, who on the whole lack souls, have seen these successes and have been searching madly for the magic formula that will allow them to crank out adorable family entertainment. They haven't found the formula yet, but apparently it will contain some form of talking animal, because we have been deluged by movies full of cuddly little beasties acting like New Yorkers.
At this rate, I predict that movie makers will run out of traditional talking animals, such as bears, rabbits, and turtles, and will be forced to move on to the more…disgusting areas of nature. They will scrape the bottom of the barrel, and they will bring up the lowly tapeworm as the hero for their next kid's film.
You laugh now, but mark my words: in three years, we will be seeing invertebrates with twangy, nasal accents running through fleshy pink tunnels. Disgusting? Yes. Inevitable? Yes.
#2: Hollywood will start remaking superhero movies
Curr and I have noted this point before: Hollywood is running out of ideas. Every time we see an ad for a new scary-house-in-the-forest movie, or a new Rob Schneider movie, we know that Hollywood is desperately searching for ideas like a fat man searching through the ice at the bottom of a soft drink cup with his straw, filling the whole restaurant with slurping noises.
Recently, they've begun tapping into the vast field of comic books, a realm previously inaccessible due to technological restrictions. The best results produced so far have been the Spiderman and X-men movies, so I am predicting that we will be seeing their remakes here in a few years. Hollywood will just count on the dazzling new effects to obliterate all memory of these movies coming out the first time.
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