2008 Woodie Awards
Plans for NCAA Division 1 football team unveiled
Billy Nollet
Issue date: 4/21/06 Section: False Horizons
Embry Riddle has been admitted to Division 1 football for the 2006 season. Nate dePutter, the new, self-proclaimed, team captain, claims that ERAU's football team will "cream the competition like… they were toast." Captain dePutter claims that he has some old Canadian tricks to slap to USC and "the big cats."
When asked about the quality of his inexperienced team, dePutter shrugged off the disadvantage, proudly stating that he hadn't lost a game of Madden 2004 in at least 4 years. Nate will star as the team's first-string quarter back, with the mighty Jonathan Pickrel as the backup.
Other team standouts include linebacker Paul Cummings, center Kyle Arcurio, and wide receiver Justin Artoff, honorably known as "Juice" to his teammates. Michael "the Tyrant" McGuire haunts the defensive backfield.
David Rische, the team's offensive coordinator, is making the team's playbook entirely on Catia, with the players drawn to scale with the field, while his roommate Jesse Sipan plans to "strike the enemy quick, by aerial attack." When asked to elaborate on this plan, Sipan refused, fearing that Horizons was working for the "enemy."
The team practices fiercely every day after their Kelly Clarkson fan club meeting. Team kicker Ethan Grimsley said, "We practice pretty hard… yesterday I wasn't allowed to have a soda, because captain Nate said it would make me 'pudgy and slow'. I was forced to eat Chartwells, [because] he said it would enhance my performance."
Every Sunday, the team gathers in the DLC auditorium to study game films. These films include Remember the Titans and Friday Night Lights. Nate claims the team motto is, "Watch, and you shall receive…" Captain dePutter is hoping that a school-sponsored "trip to Gettysburg will give us the upper hand." To further advance their superstition, team smooth talker Jaime Roberson is writing a letter to Denzel Washington to give a pep talk when the team travels to Gettysburg.
This all-star lineup will surely give Reggie Bush and the rest of USC a memorable game at next season's opener at the ERAU soccer field. For more information about Division One football, contact team manager Elton John at 1-80-ERAU-FOOT.
When asked about the quality of his inexperienced team, dePutter shrugged off the disadvantage, proudly stating that he hadn't lost a game of Madden 2004 in at least 4 years. Nate will star as the team's first-string quarter back, with the mighty Jonathan Pickrel as the backup.
Other team standouts include linebacker Paul Cummings, center Kyle Arcurio, and wide receiver Justin Artoff, honorably known as "Juice" to his teammates. Michael "the Tyrant" McGuire haunts the defensive backfield.
David Rische, the team's offensive coordinator, is making the team's playbook entirely on Catia, with the players drawn to scale with the field, while his roommate Jesse Sipan plans to "strike the enemy quick, by aerial attack." When asked to elaborate on this plan, Sipan refused, fearing that Horizons was working for the "enemy."
The team practices fiercely every day after their Kelly Clarkson fan club meeting. Team kicker Ethan Grimsley said, "We practice pretty hard… yesterday I wasn't allowed to have a soda, because captain Nate said it would make me 'pudgy and slow'. I was forced to eat Chartwells, [because] he said it would enhance my performance."
Every Sunday, the team gathers in the DLC auditorium to study game films. These films include Remember the Titans and Friday Night Lights. Nate claims the team motto is, "Watch, and you shall receive…" Captain dePutter is hoping that a school-sponsored "trip to Gettysburg will give us the upper hand." To further advance their superstition, team smooth talker Jaime Roberson is writing a letter to Denzel Washington to give a pep talk when the team travels to Gettysburg.
This all-star lineup will surely give Reggie Bush and the rest of USC a memorable game at next season's opener at the ERAU soccer field. For more information about Division One football, contact team manager Elton John at 1-80-ERAU-FOOT.
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