2008 Woodie Awards
Things to do for the socially impared
Billy Nollet
Issue date: 4/21/06 Section: False Horizons
Currently, a book is being prepared by Horizon's very own Billy Nollet entitled, Things to do for the Socially Impaired. This guidebook is one that Nollet hopes will "help the average Joe assimilate life in Prescott."
Nollet claimed that, "Prescott, to any human that bears a pulse, can cause one to go insane, or embark on morally inappropriate behavior as a source of entertainment." He aims to provide ERAU students plagued by Prescott loneliness with a more socially acceptable means of entertainment then the typical yearlong videogame or drinking binge. "I hope to provide relief to those students whose stress levels may cause them to start compulsive beatings of physically inferior classmates."
Nollet shares some of his ideas with Horizons:
"I find it relaxing to purchase a large block of ice from Circle K and go plummeting down a grassy slope while riding upon the icy block of chaos. If one lacks money all together, it is entirely humorous to toilet paper a friend; conventional toilet papering can be cruel, my alternative method is to soak several whole rolls of toilet paper in water then bombard an unsuspecting friend as he foolishly attempts to unlock his door. The mushy balls of wrath will embed themselves into the colleague's flesh, leaving him soaking wet, and ultimately confused at the most irregular of attacks." These are just some of many ideas Billy has to entertain one's self, the other ideas, he says, "are all available for purchase."
Nollet was kind enough to share how he got the idea to write his book.
"One day, while driving, I noticed a school bus of small children when I remembered that I had a horrific mask in the back seat. I immediately passed the school bus on the sidewalk, careful not to hit too many mortal objects, and parked at the local elementary school, suited up, and waited for a chance to strike. When the small children arrived and descended off their bus, I charged, in a full sprint, ungraceful, loud, and psychotic rush towards the children wearing my horrific mask, all the while screaming, "I am the pumpkin king! Follow me to oblivion children! Come now! Bwaha!" My arms flailed like the winds of a hurricane, my voice shrieked through the hearts and souls of the children before me, my shadow stormed the ground, and reeked havoc over the blighted ground on which it traveled. The horrified children fled the scene in a storm of fright and terror. It was in the children's melted, tear-filled faces that I saw my gift to change the world. I decided that I was born to affect those around me; so here I am."
Nollet's book is a self-proclaimed masterpiece, and will be available for mass purchase on the second Tuesday of next week. For further information on Billy Nollet and his ideas and tales of adventure, ask him for a story.
Nollet claimed that, "Prescott, to any human that bears a pulse, can cause one to go insane, or embark on morally inappropriate behavior as a source of entertainment." He aims to provide ERAU students plagued by Prescott loneliness with a more socially acceptable means of entertainment then the typical yearlong videogame or drinking binge. "I hope to provide relief to those students whose stress levels may cause them to start compulsive beatings of physically inferior classmates."
Nollet shares some of his ideas with Horizons:
"I find it relaxing to purchase a large block of ice from Circle K and go plummeting down a grassy slope while riding upon the icy block of chaos. If one lacks money all together, it is entirely humorous to toilet paper a friend; conventional toilet papering can be cruel, my alternative method is to soak several whole rolls of toilet paper in water then bombard an unsuspecting friend as he foolishly attempts to unlock his door. The mushy balls of wrath will embed themselves into the colleague's flesh, leaving him soaking wet, and ultimately confused at the most irregular of attacks." These are just some of many ideas Billy has to entertain one's self, the other ideas, he says, "are all available for purchase."
Nollet was kind enough to share how he got the idea to write his book.
"One day, while driving, I noticed a school bus of small children when I remembered that I had a horrific mask in the back seat. I immediately passed the school bus on the sidewalk, careful not to hit too many mortal objects, and parked at the local elementary school, suited up, and waited for a chance to strike. When the small children arrived and descended off their bus, I charged, in a full sprint, ungraceful, loud, and psychotic rush towards the children wearing my horrific mask, all the while screaming, "I am the pumpkin king! Follow me to oblivion children! Come now! Bwaha!" My arms flailed like the winds of a hurricane, my voice shrieked through the hearts and souls of the children before me, my shadow stormed the ground, and reeked havoc over the blighted ground on which it traveled. The horrified children fled the scene in a storm of fright and terror. It was in the children's melted, tear-filled faces that I saw my gift to change the world. I decided that I was born to affect those around me; so here I am."
Nollet's book is a self-proclaimed masterpiece, and will be available for mass purchase on the second Tuesday of next week. For further information on Billy Nollet and his ideas and tales of adventure, ask him for a story.
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